Nine Months
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
Funny Philosophy
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
How to tell the sex of a fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
Fumbling in the Dark
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence.
Veterinary Health Care
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, and placed the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."