Funny Philosophy

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
  3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  4. No one is listening until you fart.
  5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  8. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  10. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  12. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  13. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  14. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  15. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  16. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
  17. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
  18. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  19. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  20. Never buy a car you can't push.
  21. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
  22. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  23. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  24. The second mouse gets the cheese.
  25. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  26. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
  27. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
  28. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
  29. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and they are all different colors but they all have to live in the same box.
  30. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.