When you want bacon, you've got to butcher a pig. - Anonymous

Any one who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices - Voltaire (1765)

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein

Happiness is good health and a poor memory. - Ingrid Bergman

The height of intelligence is measurable, the depth of stupidity is not. - Anonymous

The universe moves on it's own.  There's no need to get out and push. - Anonymous

I have a tattoo of Canada on my bum and every time I fart Quebec separates. - Jann Arden (jokingly said on The Rick Mercer Report)

Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach,  Those who can't teach, manage. - Anoymous

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals . . . except the weasel." - Homer Simpson

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." - Jay Leno

"I do not know with what weapons WW3 will be fought, but WW4 will be fought with sticks and stones." - Albert Einstein

"I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest." - Alexandre Dumas

"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little." - Anonymous

"If you want to test a man's character, give him power" - A. Lincoln

"If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." - Albert Einstein

"Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun." - Woody Allen

"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home." - Steven Wright

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." - Steven Wright

"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?" - Steven Wright

"If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there." - Robin Williams

"...And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, 'Hey, here's a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!'" - Robin Williams

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." - Robin Williams

"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones who need the advice." - Bill Cosby

"Don't worry about senility - when it hits you, you won't know it." - Bill Cosby

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come home." - Bill Cosby

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone." - Bill Cosby

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh

"What did we do when we had this problem last time?" - Admiral Nibe, at a 1997 DOD agency Y2k briefing.

"Everything Fred Astaire did, Ginger Rogers did backward, wearing high heels." - Anonymous

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen

"I don't intend to offend; I just offend with my intent." - Anthrax, Sound of White Noise

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." - Wernher von Braun

"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law." - Hubert Humphrey, speech, 1964

"One never dives into the water to save a drowning man more eagerly than when there are others present who dare not take the risk." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again." - Joan Rivers

"The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it." - Harold Rome

"Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne, cowboy

"If ever there was a big lie, it is that man is a reasonable creature." - H.G. Wells, sci-fi writer

"When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform." - Mark Twain

"What does it matter how many lovers you have if none of them gives you the universe?" - Jacques Lacan

"Quoting: the act of repeating erronously the words of another." - Ambrose Pierce

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso

"Women and cats do as they please, and men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea" - Robert A. Heinlein

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy." - Erica Jong

"The trouble with the global village are all the global village idiots." - Paul Ginsparg

"I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play." - Joe E. Lewis

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air." - Jack Benny

"I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them!" - Unknown

"Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do." - Unknown

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." - Tolstoy

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." - Oscar Wilde

"I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence." - Gary Trudeau

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?" - Jeff Foxworthy

"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving." - Steven Wright

"I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on top shows a lack of confidence." - Doug McLeod

"If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there is no humour in the bible." - Mordecai Richler

"It is a besetting vice of democracies to substitute public opinion for law." - James Fenimore Cooper

"Not only does God play dice, but...he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen." - Stephen Hawking

"Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." - Chapman Cohen

"Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest." - Denis Diderot

"Love is a grave mental disease." - Plato

"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious." - Bill Maher

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." - Bill Maher

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant." - Steven Wright

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright

"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks." - Scott Adams

"The only risk of failure is promotion." - Scott Adams

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles Schulz

"Capitalism is the uneven distribution of wealth, and socialism the even distribution of poverty." - Winston Churchill

"Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." - Stephen Leacock

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." - Steve Wozniak

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." - Unknown

"If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing" - Anatole France

"The ultimate result of protecting fools from folly is to fill the planet full of fools" - Sir James Russell Lowell

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing" - Redd Foxx

"Religion is the most malevolent of all mind viruses." - Arthur C. Clarke

"If there are any gods whose chief concern is man, they can't be very important gods." - Arthur C. Clarke

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov

"A man may be a fool and not know it. But not if he is married." - H.L. Mencken

"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." - Jim Horning

"Only two things are infinite: The universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

"Learn from others' mistakes. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself" - Anonymous

"To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid. You must also be well mannered" - Voltaire

"You will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But what are you going to do with all those flies?" - Anonymous

"Do unto others as you like - until they find out what 'unto' means." - Anonymous

"A man profits more by the sight of an idiot than by the orations of the learned" - Arabian proverb

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme." - Mark Twain

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects." - Will Rogers

"If we are all as smart as we think we are, then how can everyone else be as dumb as we think they are?" - Anonymous

 

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949.

"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy." - Joseph Campbell, writer

"The Internet is a telephone system that's gotten uppity." - Clifford Stoll

"Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months." - Clifford Stoll

"Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?" - Clifford Stoll

"Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow." - Frank Dane

"We were all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid" - Benjamin Franklin

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us" - Bill Watterson, cartoonist

"If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle." - Rita Mae Brown, writer

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

"Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it." - Fred Allen

"The young fool has to first grow up to be an old fool to realize what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool" - Harold Macmillan, politician

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook

"Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education" - Bertrand Russell, philosopher

"The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy

"You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape." -Dave Barry

"Hollan's Law: the likelihood of something happening is directly proportional to the degree of insistence that it won't." - Unknown

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits, musician

"This life's hard, man, but it's harder if you're stupid!" - From the movie The Friends of Eddie Coyle (1973)

"Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn't work, and you'll annoy the pig." - English proverb

"If you are not paying for it, you're not the customer; you're the product being sold." - Anonymous

"The reason they call it 'golf' is that all the other four-letter words were used up." - Leslie Nielsen

"There is a fundamental connection between human rights and peace. We will have peace on earth when everyone's rights are respected." - John Peters Humphrey, Canadian legal scholar, jurist, and human rights advocate.

"Orwell was an optimist." - Anonymous

"Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings." - Victor Stenger

"A Canadian conundrum: what do you do when the lube freezes" - Rick Mercer

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." - Bill Cosby

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." - Mark Twain

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food." - W. C. Fields

"When corporations control the government, profits are patriotic." - Anonymous

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. - John Kenneth Galbraith

Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything. - John Kenneth Galbraith

The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness. - John Kenneth Galbraith

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. - John Kenneth Galbraith

Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods. - Christopher Hitchens

"Don't act like the hypocrite,
Who thinks he can conceal his wiles
While loudly quoting the Koran."
- Hafez, 14th century Iranian poet

Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. - John Maynard Keynes

The earth is but one country, and mankind its citizens. - Bahá'u'lláh

The first step for getting out of a hole is to stop digging. - Anonymous

Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere will not hate it. - Frederik Pohl

There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. - Isaac Asimov

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. - Fran Lebowitz

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. - Winston Churchill

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. - Oscar Wilde

The spirit of democracy is not a mechanical thing to be adjusted by abolition of forms. It requires change of heart. - Mahatma Gandhi

What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy? - Mahatma Gandhi

Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Democracy... while it lasts is more bloody than either aristocracy or monarchy. Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There is never a democracy that did not commit suicide. - John Adams

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. - George Bernard Shaw

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. - H. L. Mencken

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - George Bernard Shaw

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame. - Bertrand Russell

An ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination. - Voltaire

The government, which was designed for the people, has got into the hands of the bosses and their employers, the special interests. An invisible empire has been set up above the forms of democracy. - Woodrow Wilson

A democracy which makes or even effectively prepares for modern, scientific war must necessarily cease to be democratic. No country can be really well prepared for modern war unless it is governed by a tyrant, at the head of a highly trained and perfectly obedient bureaucracy. - Aldous Huxley

We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both. - Louis D. Brandeis

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. - H. L. Mencken

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. - H. L. Mencken

Democracy as a system has evolved into something that Thomas Jefferson didn't anticipate. - Hunter S. Thompson

All the blood is drained out of democracy - it dies - when only half the population votes. - Hunter S. Thompson

The best weapon of a dictatorship is secrecy, but the best weapon of a democracy should be the weapon of openness. - Niels Bohr

In a democracy, the majority of the citizens is capable of exercising the most cruel oppressions upon the minority. - Edmund Burke

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. - Will Rogers

Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated. - Gilbert K. Chesterton

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. - H. L. Mencken

Sometimes I think that a parody of democracy could be more dangerous than a blatant dictatorship, because that gives people an opportunity to avoid doing anything about it. - Aung San Suu Kyi

Adultery is the application of democracy to love. - H. L. Mencken

The tyranny of a prince in an oligarchy is not so dangerous to the public welfare as the apathy of a citizen in a democracy. - Charles de Montesquieu

Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state. - Noam Chomsky

The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment. - Robert M. Hutchins

To make democracy work, we must be a notion of participants, not simply observers. One who does not vote has no right to complain. - Louis L'Amour

Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary. - Reinhold Niebuhr

In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of democracy and peace - and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. - Orson Welles

Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor. - James Russell Lowell

Advertising is the very essence of democracy. - Anton Chekhov

The world is weary of statesmen whom democracy has degraded into politicians. - Benjamin Disraeli

Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy. - Benito Mussolini

You measure a democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists. - Abbie Hoffman

What is most important for democracy is not that great fortunes should not exist, but that great fortunes should not remain in the same hands. In that way there are rich men, but they do not form a class. - Alexis de Tocqueville

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. - Robert Byrne

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. - E. B. White

In our so-called democracy we are accustomed to give the majority what they want rather than educate them to understand what is best for them. - Carter G. Woodson

We can't equate democracy with Christianity because the largest democracy on earth is India, which is primarily Hindu. The third largest democracy is Indonesia, which is Islamic. Democracy and freedom are not dependent on Christian beliefs. - Jimmy Carter

The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois. - Gustave Flaubert

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - Bill Vaughan