God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . . .
• All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
• I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
• Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
• It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.