New Regulations in the Ministry of Transportation of Ontario

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distanc e between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with Quebec plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially on the 401.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearingyour seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In Ontario, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Thank You, The Ministry of Transportation of Ontario.