Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill to generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests? Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."