In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium: "Drop your pants here."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."